Mario Balotelli Says: Rio Ferdinand Doesn’t Know How To Celebrate!
Why can’t people make up their minds? – Mario Balotelli asks.
No matter what I do, the fans are never happy.
They are upset when Mario Balotelli uses too much of his super-human strength and gets red carded for crushing puny Russian opponents. When that happens, Mario Balotelli is blamed for City losing. Then, they are angry when I hold back and play so gently that the referee can only show Mario Balotelli a yellow card. They are ungrateful. They do not say, ‘Hurrah, Mario! We won because You are such a sportsman!’
They are upset in Italy when I throw the Inter strip on the ground in disgust. They say that I do not respect the shirt. Then, they are upset in England because I kiss the badge after we win the FA Cup Semi-Final. They say I should only do that for City’s fans, not United’s.
This confuses Mario Balotelli. Everyone at the club has been talking to me. Roberto Mancini says I must show restraint. Patrick-something says I must be respectful. Gary Cook says I must be an ambassador for the club. Nigel de Jong screams that I must drop kick everyone into next year, but then Mr. Cook comes back and takes him away, whispering softly to him that he’s forgotten to take his medication again.
Mario Balotelli gave all this advice careful thought before the big game against United. Mario Balotelli had his personal assistant look up the word ambassador. Apparently, My personal assistant has an iPhone with G4 where his brain should be, because he just rolled his eyes up inside his head exactly like the little thing on My iPad which means ‘one moment, loading’, and, when the page was found, told Mario Balotelli that an ambassador is someone who represents the club, tells everyone how wonderful it is and spreads Good Will wherever he goes.
Mario Balotelli liked that. Mario Balotelli even thought that He would make the perfect goodwill ambassador for Man City. But when we won the match and I kissed the badge in front of the United supporters, everyone was very upset. The fans were angry and shouted some words that I bet even Wayne Rooney doesn’t know.
Then, Rio Ferdinand and Anderson came and screamed at Mario Balotelli, trying to stop Me from spreading Good Will and showing their fans how wonderful Man City is. They were very angry. They said that Mario Balotelli should only do these things in front of City fans. That doesn’t make any sense. Man City fans already know how wonderful Man City is. How can Mario Balotelli spread Good Will if he does not preach to the uneducated masses?
How could any of you not want to be Mario Balotelli?
When I told Rio that I was only trying to spread Good Will, he told Me to meet him out on the street so that he could show Mario Balotelli some Good Will. But then, he became even angrier when I winked at him. Mario Balotelli doesn’t understand. I only wanted Rio to know that I appreciated the offer of help. Being an ambassador is much more difficult than Mario Balotelli thought.
Luckily, Mancini came over just then, to calm things down. So did Edwin van der Sar. He is such a nice man for a goalkeeper. Mario Balotelli’s personal assistant read to him the comments that van der Sar made about my ambassadoring afterwards.
“I think [Balotelli] misunderstood which side of the stadium he had to go to so he could thank the supporters. Maybe in Italy they do things differently, but let’s just talk about the football.”
My personal assistant also read to me that Mancini had said he might put me in jail for celebrating in front of the United supporters.
I told Patrick-something what the nice van der Sar said about Mario Balotelli and asked him if Mancini would really put Mario Balotelli in the clink? Patrick-something shook his head and asked Mario Balotelli if I didn't recognise sarcasm when I heard it? Then he told me not to mind, that it was a stupid question.
Strangely, he took me by the shoulder and told me not to worry about Rio and United. He said that they were all talk, that Mario Balotelli hadn’t done anything wrong. He said United used to have a very crazy player named Red Neville, who, when he wasn't eating goal scorers for breakfast, would run down to the Kop end and spread Good Will like nobody’s business whenever United scored.
Mario Balotelli doesn’t like the sound of eating goal scorers for breakfast. I need help learning how to spread Good Will but it will take more courage than Mario Balotelli has to ask Red Neville to teach me his secrets. Patrick-something is very brave. I asked him if he would go with Mario Balotelli to talk to Red Neville. He just choked on his Perrier and muttered something about Mario Balotelli understanding sarcasm after all, as he went off to his cot in Mancini’s office.
Red Neville seems much nicer than Patrick-something made him sound. Perhaps too nice.
So, Mario Balotelli put thoughts of Red Neville aside and asked his personal assistant to look up the definition of sarcasm. Mario Balotelli may have been wrong about My personal assistant’s brain. His eyes rolled up in his head for so long, that it must only be G3. Finally, he told me that sarcasm was when people said the opposite of what they meant to make a joke.
Mario Balotelli had to think very hard about this but now I understand. It explains what My girl friends mean when they giggle and say no but later do what Mario Balotelli asks. It also means that Rio wasn’t going to help me spread Good Will. That wasn’t a very funny joke.
Also, Mario Balotelli now understands that van der Sar knew that I was at the right end but was trying to trick Me so that I wouldn’t steal away United’s fans! He is a very clever goal keeper Those are the worst kind.
But best of all, it means that Mancini is not going to throw Mario Balotelli in jail. I must go to him now, though, while the idea is still fresh in his mind. Perhaps, if Mario Balotelli spreads all the Good Will He can, Mancini will speak to the government and arrange for Mario Balotelli to tour a women’s prison! They wouldn’t let Mario Balotelli do that in Italy but Mario Balotelli didn’t understand about Good Will back then.
When he agrees, Mario Balotelli will show Mancini just what it means to be a Good Will ambassador!