France has triumphed over Great Britain in a huge re-enactment of the Battle of Waterloo which took place in the same Belgian fields where Napoleon’s army was defeated, 200 years ago.
The loss has been put down to cuts in military spending and general poor health among many re-enactors who were forced to pick up provisions from food banks on the way into battle.
Malnourished volunteers, dressed as infantry and cavalry officers, tried to recreate the battle and commemorate those who died but were unable to reach the original outcome due to equipment and rations shortages and not being able to blag kit off Americans.
Despite the Duke of Wellington’s well-rehearsed tactical manoeuvre to take the higher ground and outdo the enemy, which worked brilliantly last time around, the actor playing Napoleon shrugged his Gallic shoulders, fed his well-equipped troops with a delicious long lunch, and then completely demoralised the enemy with a display of well-gnawed chicken bones, a range of readily available soft cheeses and a triumphant display of belching.
“It was pathetic said one on-looker. The British national pride had been stripped out of them and they’d obviously given up the will to live. It was obvious too that most of the costumes had been bought from charity shops and not hired from London’s prestigious Angels’ theatrical costumiers. One of them was even got up as a Japanese sniper which I reckon he got from Poundland.”
Mop-capped English women and their red-coated husbands were already weakened from their harsh journey across the channel having smuggled themselves under the canvas flaps of trucks to avoid ferry charges. They then faced a weary night encamped behind barbed wire in Zeebrugge where they were jeered at by chip-throwing Belgian youths and forced to drink cheap wine.
A crowd of 60,000 spectators watched the battle, egging the French army on to stuff their Anglo-Saxon counterparts who simply died of shame in their thousands.
Since the defeat, plans have been announced to replace the Wellington memorial in Hyde Park with the current cabinet riding triumphantly on a herd of capitalist pigs.