IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

This is our General Chat area where you can post messages about anything and everything of interest to everyone.
User avatar
bodge
Posts: 555
Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:02 pm
Service Details: A squadron 1952-1954
Real Name: Malcoln Brown
Location: anlaby hull east yorkshire
Been thanked: 7 times
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Sun Nov 23, 2008 3:38 pm

v











--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
The pizza can still feed a family of four.

As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office.
She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.'

Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.






Q: What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price?
A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something.

What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet.
The car's been repossessed.

Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed.
They've called in the retrievers.

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.'
Is it them or me?

What's the difference between the BBC's Business Editor Robert Peston and God?
God doesn't think he's Robert Peston.

You know it's a credit crunch when...

• The cash point asks if you can spare any change.

• There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.

• The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.

• Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.

• Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.

• Highgrove has been repossessed.

• Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.

• Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.

User avatar
27
Posts: 1929
Joined: Mon Feb 06, 2006 8:37 pm
Service Details: Jan 75 -- Aug 87 Herford Cyprus Bovington Hohne NI Catterick
Real Name: Tony Woods
Location: openshaw manchester
Has thanked: 9 times
Been thanked: 5 times
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby 27 » Mon Nov 24, 2008 2:04 pm

Underwear dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.'
'Maybe it would take a few inches off of your bum!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out. 'Mary,' he hollered into the
bathroom,
'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's Miracle Grow' :lol: :lol: :lol: .

27,
YOU SIGN PHIL JONES :-( :-( :-( WE SIGN KUN AGUERO :-) :-) :-)
C.T.I.D. :-) :-) :-) ⓜⓒⓕⓒ I WAS THERE WHEN WE WERE SHIT ¿? ¿? ¿?

User avatar
ALGY CAIN
Posts: 455
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 4:34 pm
Service Details: 1967-77. A and C Squadrons.
Real Name: Allan Cain
Location: La Nucia, Spain
Has thanked: 16 times
Been thanked: 2 times
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby ALGY CAIN » Wed Nov 26, 2008 7:44 pm

Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell
me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary,

'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came
to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again
said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

User avatar
Merlin
Posts: 162
Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2006 5:27 pm
Service Details: Joined 'A' sqd 6th Troop in 72, N.I. two times and Hereford, finished
Jan 75. used to drink at the Zumschultize if that's how you spell it.
Real Name: Michael Blake
Location: 12 Woodvale Gardens, Great Lever, Bolton, BL3 3HG
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby Merlin » Wed Nov 26, 2008 10:24 pm

Flight attendant




A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful
woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because
she`s got a uniform on, she`s probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he
decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she
flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says
the Delta Airlines motto `We love to fly and it shows`.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto `Winning the
hearts of the world`. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled
look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the
Malaysian Airlines motto `Going beyond expectations`.

The woman looks at him sternly and says `What the f*** do you want?` `Ah!`
he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. `Ryanair
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


Mates




3 mates are walking to the pub, 1 Bootneck and 2 Matelots. When crossing
the road to get to the pub a speeding car runs over and kills the Royal.
The Police turn up and ask the jacks the name of the deceased, they say 'I
don't know', the cop asks them if they knew where he lived, they say 'I
don't know. The copper is getting fed up and says, 'Do you know anything
about this bloke' and one jack says 'Well he's got 2 arseholes', the cop
says, 'How do you know that?' and the matelot says, 'Well every time we go
into the pub the barman always says, here's that bootneck with the 2
arseholes.'

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
As it is, so mote it be.

User avatar
bodge
Posts: 555
Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:02 pm
Service Details: A squadron 1952-1954
Real Name: Malcoln Brown
Location: anlaby hull east yorkshire
Been thanked: 7 times
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Thu Nov 27, 2008 5:54 pm

This is a story about the chief woman 'Greenie tree-hugging activist' for Australia - you know - she was the one responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks and State Forests. Anyway, she was climbing a tree to watch over a Tasmanian forest to get evidence against the mighty tree felling empire when a tawny frogmouth owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.



In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree getting a number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor and told him that she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.



The doctor, who was no environmentalist, listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room, undress, hop up onto the bed and he would be in shortly to see if he could help her.



She waited for two long painful hours before the doctor reappeared. By now, very angry, the woman demanded, 'what took you so damn long?'



'Well,' the doctor replied, 'it is not that simple....I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, the National Parks & Wildlife Service, the Wilderness Society and the Dept of Conservation & Resource Management, before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a recreational area!!!'

User avatar
Wanny
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2004 8:00 pm
Service Details: Served Sept. 1979 untill Sept.84 mainly based in Hohne
( A Sqn 4th Troop )
Real Name: Steven Buchanan
Location: South Manchester
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby Wanny » Fri Nov 28, 2008 12:04 pm

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.' :D
Dont think it, DO IT !

User avatar
FERDY
Posts: 438
Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:06 am
Service Details: 1963 - 1977
Catterick, Benghazi, Tidworth, Paderborn, Ireland, Perham Down,Ireland, Herford, Bovington. (Can't remember the order though, Brain Dead !! ) Oh and a lot of time spent at Bisley !!
Real Name: Pete Farrell
Location: Dukinfield
Has thanked: 25 times
Been thanked: 14 times
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby FERDY » Fri Nov 28, 2008 7:44 pm

Little Mohammed was fed up working in his dads corner shop and wanted to go home.

"Dad can I go home ? " he said.

"Stack that case of flour on the top shelf then you can go " said his dad

Everthing went well until the last packet overloaded the shelf, and the lot collapsed all over him.

"Look at all this mess, and the state of you covered in flour " said his dad "Go home and get yourself cleaned up "

Mohammed got onto the bus where he met his Sister " Mohammed, is that you ? look at the state of you, go home and get cleaned up "

Mohammed got off the bus at his stop and was walking along when he met some schoolfriends, " Mohammed is that you look at the state of you go home and get cleaned up"

Mohammed was met by his mother at the house and she said " Mohammed is that you, go upstairs to the bathroom and clean yourself up.

Mohammed went upstairs to be met by his grandmother coming out of the bathroom, " oh goodness gracious me is this my beautiful Mohammed" she says "look at the state of you go and clean yourself up right away"

"you know, Grandma " says Mohammed,

"I've only been white for half an hour"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
."BUT I HATE PAKIS"
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

User avatar
hankwood698
Posts: 66
Joined: Wed Aug 06, 2008 10:00 pm
Service Details: B Sqn-Herford-June 75. B Sqn-Heavy Track Tp-Bovy-76. D Sqn-Hohne-77 to 82(Oct). Track Section-Chertsey,Surry-Centurion& Challenger Driving Trials-Oct 82 to June 85. A Sqn-Catterick-85. B Sqn-Munster-88(inc. 1st Gulf War) & 9 month tour C Sqn-Berlin til Sept 91. Fountain St/Stockport Recruitng Offices-93 to 95.. Batus Safety Staff-7 months 95. RAC & H/CAV MDT 6 Months 96. Last 6 months in uk up to Demob Feb 97. Left with Rank of Sgt.
Real Name: Robert(Bob)
Location: Halifax,West Yorkshire
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby hankwood698 » Sat Nov 29, 2008 2:33 pm

One good thing about getting older is that multi-tasking gets easier. You can sneeze,pi** and s**t yourself at the same time !!:lol: :lol: :lol:

Hank
Always look on the bright side!!!

User avatar
hankwood698
Posts: 66
Joined: Wed Aug 06, 2008 10:00 pm
Service Details: B Sqn-Herford-June 75. B Sqn-Heavy Track Tp-Bovy-76. D Sqn-Hohne-77 to 82(Oct). Track Section-Chertsey,Surry-Centurion& Challenger Driving Trials-Oct 82 to June 85. A Sqn-Catterick-85. B Sqn-Munster-88(inc. 1st Gulf War) & 9 month tour C Sqn-Berlin til Sept 91. Fountain St/Stockport Recruitng Offices-93 to 95.. Batus Safety Staff-7 months 95. RAC & H/CAV MDT 6 Months 96. Last 6 months in uk up to Demob Feb 97. Left with Rank of Sgt.
Real Name: Robert(Bob)
Location: Halifax,West Yorkshire
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby hankwood698 » Sat Nov 29, 2008 2:37 pm

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says " how dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now...and take

your f***in' mates with you :D

Hank
Always look on the bright side!!!

User avatar
bodge
Posts: 555
Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:02 pm
Service Details: A squadron 1952-1954
Real Name: Malcoln Brown
Location: anlaby hull east yorkshire
Been thanked: 7 times
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:15 pm

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,
stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from
Australia,
one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the
bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there
es.
Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who
came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I
grebbed
the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer
hends'.
Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said,
'Well
you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny
trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move
on
me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind
then
sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here
today'

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his
penis.

Paul Keller
Posts: 2858
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2004 1:56 pm
Service Details: Hohne Nov '78 till June '85, Catterick June '85 till June '87, with six months Belize, March '86 till Sept '86.
Sennelager, June 87 till March '88, March '88 till Oct '90,
Real Name: Paul Keller
Location: Westhoughton
Been thanked: 5 times
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby Paul Keller » Sun Nov 30, 2008 12:35 pm

Mr Bodge sir !
I can honestly state without fear of contradiction, that our Antipedean cousins have easier to listen to verbals then readable ones :wink: !!!!
Then it's Trooper this, an Trooper that
And Trooper how's yer soul?
But it's "Hawks are bloody 'ero's"
When the tanks began to roll!

User avatar
bodge
Posts: 555
Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:02 pm
Service Details: A squadron 1952-1954
Real Name: Malcoln Brown
Location: anlaby hull east yorkshire
Been thanked: 7 times
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Mon Dec 01, 2008 7:30 pm

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.




At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

User avatar
Brian Hunter
Posts: 583
Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 8:59 pm
Service Details: 1967 - 1973
B Squadron
Real Name: Brian Hunter
Location: Southampton
Contact:

Why Sentence Structure is Important

Postby Brian Hunter » Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:56 am

The boss had to fire someone, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a terrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
Ya can take lad out o' Preston, but ya can't take Preston out o' lad

User avatar
Merlin
Posts: 162
Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2006 5:27 pm
Service Details: Joined 'A' sqd 6th Troop in 72, N.I. two times and Hereford, finished
Jan 75. used to drink at the Zumschultize if that's how you spell it.
Real Name: Michael Blake
Location: 12 Woodvale Gardens, Great Lever, Bolton, BL3 3HG
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby Merlin » Mon Dec 08, 2008 9:34 pm

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
As it is, so mote it be.

User avatar
Merlin
Posts: 162
Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2006 5:27 pm
Service Details: Joined 'A' sqd 6th Troop in 72, N.I. two times and Hereford, finished
Jan 75. used to drink at the Zumschultize if that's how you spell it.
Real Name: Michael Blake
Location: 12 Woodvale Gardens, Great Lever, Bolton, BL3 3HG
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby Merlin » Mon Dec 08, 2008 9:35 pm

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's your mum is it?!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
As it is, so mote it be.


Return to “General Chat”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 16 guests



Adverts will never appear above this line.
Ignore them by all means, but using them might contribute to the cost of hosting this website.



Noah's Arc - 14th/20th King's... at easyfundraising.org.uk